oGoing beyond attraction, what makes a relationship work or not? What makes it a good one?
On attraction
Context:
Attraction can be easy to build. But what happens after that? At some point, we have to ask ourselves: What do we really want in a relationship? What makes it meaningful?
It used to be that there were rules in society, like marriage, establishing what we can or cannot do. I won’t give an opinion on them, but there was some sort of order. And now it feels like that’s been taken away, and everyone is lost. In that context, many are losing, because of unspoken things not being agreed on, because of having different definitions of love, of having different needs etc.
There seem to be so many expectations today around a romantic relationship, where a partner is sometimes expected to bring connection, want, be a good friend, what a whole village had to before, sometimes even things that we should perhaps be bringing to ourselves.
I’m going to be asking questions and presenting my perspective on it, in the hopes of helping others shape their own.
Let the questioning begin! Casual or serious dating?
If we engage in casual relationships, it’s important to make sure both people truly are on the same page. Are we being honest with ourselves and each other about what we want?
If intimacy becomes so easy, doesn’t it make it less special?
Perhaps it is good to have some fun in our youth, to try things without taking them so seriously. I personally won’t. However it is true that it takes trying to see if a relationship can work, once we find the right person.
That said to me it feels like many are disoriented by today’s dating world, unsure what they want and what to expect of others, perhaps just trying to do like others, or giving up on dating entirely.
So what can make a relationship endure?
Attraction isn’t permanent, it fluctuates. So if attraction is the only thing holding a relationship together, it won’t last. After some time, the ‘halo effect’ of attraction will fade, and we will see the real person beyond our idealized version of them, after 4 months or so. That’s when we face a choice: do we accept them as they are?
If we want it to work, having a common project, a common goal or at least interest in the other’s goal can help ensure staying together in the long term, when life pulls us apart or disputes happen, as they will.
Most important of all, we must know what our partner has to say about this question: what is love?
Love involves growth. We naturally influence each other, shaping how we see the world, who we are, what we do and how we connect. But the key is to grow together while still staying true to ourselves. So a good question would be do you like what you would shape yourself into, with that person?
It’s also better to not be held down by past relationships for that reason, otherwise we can’t really let ourselves go, we’re not truly ready for a new experience, and other people deserve someone who is ready. If we don’t work enough on ourselves, or don’t have the right person, we may not dare to open up, to change, to be vulnerable, to grow.
By the same logic, it is important to be connected to ourselves. It is hard to truly empathize with others when we lack the mental space and peace of mind to do so.
I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty but I think we should be willing to give to others what we expect from them.
What to take from this?
What I’m saying is self knowledge is key for our relationship with ourselves. For this I found that meditation can help, to find ourselves in the silence, to live with ourselves, know who we are, what we want. I think it’s also important to have enough self-respect to not pursue those that are unavailable, to have the strength to face our potentially problematic attachment styles. To know what we want from a relationship. Most of that we figure out by giving ourselves space to think and not rush from one relationship to the other - the deepest the love the longer it will take to move on. We can journal to go further in our self knowledge.
For our relationship with others, communication is key. To share our needs, to be understood. The book non violent communication can help for that, with time and patience. Understand each other can be a challenge, and a mood where we can say how we feel without too much fear of being judged can really help.
Non violent communication
Oh and it’s probably a good idea to make sure both have enough time to grow, listen, empathize and spend time together.
“Love is what you offer another person when you’re already happy.” Alan Waltz
Behind the feeling of I, beyond need.
I’d like to point out that relationships do not only exist in a romantic context. We have some sort of relationship with every friend, with our family etc. They will have unspoken or spoken agreements, and communication is important there, too, for boundaries and the benefit of everyone. Of course there’s no need to worry about it all the time, but saying when something is wrong and being open minded is where it’s at!
Do feel free to send this whole text to AI to ask it to add examples or explain in more details.
(Or just ask me directly old school haha)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JqGeP240Tc&list=PLvRzdtsok8yG3kDVNpR5ZjWd33mCno1er&index=2&ab_channel=TEDxTalks
For those who want to wait for the perfect person.
And remember, Amor Vincit Omnia sed Cura Te Ipsum
For the rational ones
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pYP1CFr_QLo#