Everyone should read this. Barely 1/3rd through this book and it’s already better than anything I’ve read!
I feel like this should be taught at schools.
I used to be wary of this kind of method.
Now I’m ready for it. It helps in understanding how to communicate better, something we may all feel like we do a good enough job at already. I didn’t.
It is more than a process, it is a lifestyle of avoiding judgment, expressing ourselves clearly and understanding others’ feelings and needs.
That being said, the process itself is roughly what follows:
- Make observations, without judgment, without evaluation. If we mix observations with judgment, the other person might feel the need to be defensive.
Here is a made up example:
Instead of saying “you don’t care about me”, we can try to say what inspired that thought. For example: “You don’t cook for me” - Share our feelings on that. The impact which said observation, that could be a behavior someone has, an action someone did, has on us. It’s important to find out what the feeling really is with the right word.
Continuing the example from before,
Instead of inferring how the other is thinking or feeling, say “I don’t really feel appreciated” - Express needs. It can be hard to figure them out truly, and to express vulnerability by saying them out loud. Others should react with empathy.
“I need attention, love in this form or another” - Make a request. Try to respect other’s needs as well, naturally. Also phrase it in a positive way, asking for what we want and not focusing on what we don’t want. It would ideally be a concrete and precise request.
“I would like you to cook for me once a week”
In that order, every time. Skip straight to the request and you’re just issuing commands with extra steps.
To me it feels like the issue that often comes into play is that we tend to make shortcuts, simplifying things, and expecting others to be able to unwrap our thoughts, to know our needs.
In the case where only one person uses this method, they can try to find the feelings and needs from what is said, leading to the person feeling heard, at which point true discussion can begin.
And we can do it with ourselves, too!
Looking at the needs and feelings that made us behave a certain way, instead of judgments and “should have done X”
The parts that are easy to get wrong
Say “I feel” and mean an actual feeling, precisely — not “I feel that you’re wrong,” that’s a thought wearing a feeling’s grammar. Separate the behavior from the person: don’t infer what someone thinks, don’t generalize one action into who they are. Avoid judgment, avoid comparison, both are evaluation smuggled in as observation.
You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, and they’re not responsible for yours. Respond to someone’s needs out of compassion, not guilt, fear, or shame — and don’t meet your own needs at their expense either. That cuts both ways or it isn’t NVC, it’s just politeness.
Sometimes the ask isn’t a fix, it’s just wanting to be understood — don’t solve what wasn’t a problem. And know what you actually want before you open your mouth about it.
Criticism makes people defensive, that’s not a flaw in them, it’s just what criticism does. Don’t take a no as rejection, empathize with the reason behind it instead. Whole presence is hard — empathy isn’t sympathy, it’s attention on what’s actually moving in the other person, not what you’d feel in their place. And empathize with the feeling first, the need comes after; skip to the need and you’ve stopped listening.
Watch “but” in conversation, it erases whatever came before it. Same with “should” turned inward — self-judgment doesn’t get you anywhere, connecting to what you actually want does.
Underneath all the mechanics: this is how you resolve conflict, by building connection between two people rather than being right past each other. Listen to the other person truly, and listen to yourself the same way. Your anger is your responsibility. Not theirs.
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Emotional Intelligence is what this depends on underneath — you can’t do the first move here, separating feeling from evaluation, without already being able to name the feeling. Read that one for the naming, this one for what to do once you can.