Barely 1/3rd through this book and it’s already better than anything I’ve read!
I feel like this should be taught at schools.
I used to be wary of this kind of method.
Now I’m ready for it. It helps in understanding how to communicate better, something we may all feel like we do a good enough job at already. I didn’t.
It is more than a process, it is a lifestyle of avoiding judgment, expressing ourselves clearly and understanding others’ feelings and needs.
That being said, the process itself is roughly what follows:
- Make observations, without judgment, without evaluation. If we mix observations with judgment, the other person might feel the need to be defensive.
Here is a made up example:
Instead of saying “you don’t care about me”, we can try to say what inspired that thought. For example: “You don’t cook for me” - Share our feelings on that. The impact which said observation, that could be a behavior someone has, an action someone did, has on us. It’s important to find out what the feeling really is with the right word.
Continuing the example from before,
Instead of inferring how the other is thinking or feeling, say “I don’t really feel appreciated” - Express needs. It can be hard to figure them out truly, and to express vulnerability by saying them out loud. Others should react with empathy.
“I need attention, love in this form or another” - Make a request. Try to respect other’s needs as well, naturally. Also phrase it in a positive way, asking for what we want and not focusing on what we don’t want. It would ideally be a concrete and precise request.
“I would like you to cook for me once a week”
To me it feels like the issue that often comes into play is that we tend to make shortcuts, simplifying things, and expecting others to be able to unwrap our thoughts, to know our needs.
In the case where only one person uses this method, they can try to find the feelings and needs from what is said, leading to the person feeling heard, at which point true discussion can begin.
And we can do it with ourselves, too!
Looking at the needs and feelings that made us behave a certain way, instead of judgments and “should have done X”